Cesar Cadabes on finding joy through crisiS, and the power of community care.
A couple of weeks ago, I had the privilege to sit with Cesar Cadabes and discuss his one-man autobiographical show, Not My First Pandemic which was featured in the With You Festival. NMFP tells the story of Cadabes’ journey as a gay Filipino, living, surviving through the AIDS and Covid-19 pandemics. As someone who is Gay and Asian, Cadabes experienced the social, and physical consequences reverberate throughout his communities. Both the LGBTQ++, and API communities were the targets of scapegoating– and labelled to be perpetrators of disease, contributing to social ostracization, and neglect– subsequently fueling homophobic, and xenophobic/anti-asian attacks. Uniquely, these pandemics exposed an ugly underbelly of racism, and social inequities that exacerbated the effects of the pandemic. Simultaneously, the nation was in an uproar as we battled these viral diseases and the deadly disease of Racism. As the AIDS and Covid-19 pandemics raged, nationwide movements against police terrorism raged alongside, ignited by the wrongful convictions of the Central Park 5, the beating of Rodney King, the murders of Yusef Hawkins, George Floyd, Breonna Taylor, and countless others. Just how does Cadabes tackle all of this in one hour and a half? With grace. Cadabes is able to beautifully draw parallels upon his experiences in both eras, uniting us in our rage, sorrow, and search for light and love through the darkness.
Cesar Cadabes in conversation with Xela Vargas. Full Interview transcribed below.
Xela: We can start first by introducing ourselves. I'm Xela Vargas, I coordinate Social Media, and do other things here at Brava Theater.
Cesar: I’m Cesar Cadabes, I am a solo performance artist/activist. I also work to mentor other queer and transgender Asian and Pacific Islander artists as the artistic director for GAPA Theater.
On Not My First Pandemic
Xela: So– you have an upcoming show with us here, can you tell me a little bit about what we should expect from NMFP?
Cesar: Well, Not My First Pandemic is my first full length solo performance. So it's obviously about– well, maybe not obviously– about my experience.
I came here in San Francisco in 1984, right at the beginning of the AIDS epidemic. So, I was here ground zero experiencing that, and, you know, getting involved, like most of our community did. And then a few years ago, we experienced and are still experiencing another pandemic– so I wrote this piece as an artistic and political response. I'm sharing my experiences, but also commentary on what else was going on.
I talk about the two specific pandemics, AIDS and COVID, and parallel to both of those pandemics are the pandemic of brutality and social injustice. So, NMFP, right away you think pandemics, you know that I’m a gay artist– you think i’ll just be talking about AIDS, and Covid, but its actually much deeper than that.
There was obviously a lot of death, suffering, and trauma because of these two disease bourne pandemics, and they also opened up and exposed inequities: Who was getting services throughout AIDS and COVID? Who was being disproportionately impacted? People of color.
Xela: So, what would you like people to pull from the show, how do you want people to walk away feeling?
Cesar: That's what I've discovered as I keep developing this piece– my question was, is: how do you not just survive but thrive? And for me, it's about choosing joy.
A lot of what we did during the AIDS pandemic was that in spite of what they were saying, in spite of what was happening to us: we still connected.
We went out. We socialized, We created art. We marched in the streets and we went dancing. We went dancing, and the clubs and the nightlife provided us a kind of refuge, because that was where the music took us away from what we were constantly surrounded by: death.
But it was also just physically being in a space together with people who are going through the same thing and dancing and laughing and connecting. We were still a community and we were worthy of that [joy], and we actively chose that.
Even with COVID, you know, you've heard about the stories [of] folks being turned away who were sick– and deathly ill and were turned away to go home and die. It's hard to think about the life that's there– and the joy. But that's why it's so important to do that-- to find and choose joy-- because doing that flies in the face of everything.
And we don't want to just survive. We want to thrive.
So we need to think about our resilience, you know, in the midst of fighting, in the midst of surviving, we want to love, we want to create, we want to connect.
Xela: I want to say the beauty of your show also, is that it is ever-evolving, developing, and seems to be consistently relevant.
Cesar: Yeah. I mean, I think that all of our experiences are relevant and too often we're told that they're not. And that's why, to choose joy, and, express your humanity is revolutionary.
As we do go along though, my perspective changes and I adapt the show, the history to the relevancy of what we're experiencing in the now.
On Monkey Pox
Xela: I like that: choosing the revolutionary act of love, and joy. I cant help but think when you mention clubbing, and connection– I think of the latest pandemic confronting the world, particularly gay men– Monkeypox. Another disease that creates a fear of contact, and connection. Can you speak to that?
Cesar: Yeah. I mean, the first case was in May and we're in September. There's already over 21,000 cases here in this country, but over 4000 in California alone (now 5,010). There was some panic– given the first cases started [appearing] just before pride, and we had these pride events all over the country, and people still didn't know much about [the virus, or how it was spread.]
What was fascinating though, was how we responded. I was watching social media and people were sharing their experiences, they were sharing resources. They were tweeting updates letting people know,
‘oh, there's no line and they have a lot of vaccines here”. People used art and their social media to educate folks on how to prevent this from spreading in our community. It was incredible.
Letting others know, “oh, if you put some kind of ointment and Band-Aid over the lesion, it will heal better and it may not leave a scar”. So just these little things you know, the spirit of continuing to build community, despite what is going on.
To me, it is powerful.
And this is what we did with AIDS. Nobody knew what was going on– so we talked about it. We said, “this is what's happening, and this is how we understand it”. It was just like that and we, the community, did it again.
And we're continuing to do it. And while there may be what some may see as apathy--because a lot of people have gotten their vaccines and now we're seeing that there aren't any lines anymore--does that mean that people don't care?
You can't really say why unless you ask someone– some people will just take a vaccine, some people are having reactions. And others take other precautions, whether it’s reducing partners, or if I have a partner, making sure to, you know, check his butthole, and his dick and balls– but you know, in a playful way– being healthy and sexual.
On marginalization and mass loss
Xela : I know you mentioned you felt that there wasn't so much of a community response or community care at the beginnings of COVID. But do you think that the community response is better this time around?
Cesar: I mean, there are not so subtle differences between COVID and monkeypox. As the information got out that it was mostly gay and bisexual men getting it, it became in people's mind, marginalized. So, our community responded.
People can kind of misconstrue information, and that's what they did with AIDS. It's like, “Oh, it's a gay thing straight people don't have to worry about. Then you saw that straight people were getting it, mothers were giving it to the children and so forth. [On the other hand it was,] “let's figure out what to do with COVID”, where it was much more transmissible to the general public– though the people most impacted
were people of color. But people didn’t (want to) see it in their community.They say, “well, it's not my problem”.
But we were also in a particular political environment at the time where misinformation overruled common sense, and overruled peoples humanity.
I mean there were- and are- so many people dying, and we did the thing, for a year every night at 7:00pm, we were out banging pots and pans to thank the frontline workers. And then it stopped. But that didn't mean that people stopped dying, or covid stopped.
Xela: It's desensitization really. Like after a year and a half, two– it’s kind of felt like “ok, how much more of this can we take (the loss, the reminders)?”
Cesar: Yeah. And it's really interesting around our collective psyche that every year we do the 911 thing, because people were killed and it was traumatic to the country and the families. And we do the “never forget” with the gay community. You know? We never forget. We marked that day on World AIDS Day– we have candlelight vigils and we say their names.
And yet, over a million people have died from COVID and there’s not really that sense that we have collectively been impacted by this.
Xela: Yeah. That's an interesting observation given it's the most catastrophic and devastating loss that we've experienced as not only a nation but as a world. The amount of people that have died across the world. And yeah, we don't have a “never forget”– I feel like there wasn’t a time that we collectively honored or even recognized the mass loss. I guess you can say there's a mass loss of people, but also the loss of a sense of humanity. I mean we are all aware of the loss; maybe people are just trying to move on and feel like we've been stuck in this period for a while and like, let's move forward.
Cesar: Yeah, that's what some people say. It's like we're not in it anymore and yadda yadda yadda.
Xela: “Post COVID”
Cesar: Yeah, but they say the same thing about AIDS. [But] there was a vaccine within a year [for COVID]. For me and other folks who have lived as long as we have through the AIDS epidemic it’s like, what about this? What's the hold up on this vaccine for 41 years? You all did that in a year.
Xela: Before we go, I wanted to ask you what it's been like for you to work with Kat, and the first With You Festival– it’s a pretty big deal.
On Kat Evasco, and the importance of the With You Festival
Cesar: Wow. I love working with Kat. I've been working with her since the beginning of developing this piece, actually, the piece before that, which developed into NMFP. It's wonderful because she always has this perspective and memory of what we worked on and how we've progressed.
I'm just very proud of her founding With You productions and this festival with Brava, who has been around in my memory and experience of living in San Francisco since 1984. And so to be part of Brava's legacy is inspiring and it just feels like home.
It's great that the festival is at Brava because of who Kat is and what she's going to build– alongside the place that Brava has in our political and cultural history in San Francisco. It's a great match. It's a great celebration of it all.
I'm really looking forward to it and hope it's the start of continuing to build and create art with Brava with the community.
It's such a gift that Brava gives to the community by, you know, hosting these shows. So thank you for that.
Xela: Our pleasure!
Find Cesar Cadabes on Instagram @alohabudd.